The Best and Worst Feeling

By Anahvia Taiyib

Crushing is the best and worst feeling in the world. Someone has the audacity to be so amazing that you can’t stop thinking about them. Seriously, who do they think they are? Wearing those clothes, laughing that laugh, farting that fart. Everything they do is perfect and you love it. Watch out–next thing you know you’ll be caught walking down the street, smiling to yourself. You find yourself spending an extra 20 minutes getting dressed in the morning on the off chance that you “randomly” run into them–or you spend all your energy avoiding them at all costs. You can’t even handle looking them in the eye or having a conversation with them–you have to try too hard not to burst out laughing from sheer anxiety. They’re too perfect and you literally can’t even.

Your friends tell you they’ve noticed you’ve been happier lately. You don’t even care that you just failed your midterm, because the love of your life (really, the love of your life), totally made eye contact with you five minutes ago. You’re skipping to work–who even skips anymore?–because you feel that damn good. You’re rehearsing your wedding day in your mind–regardless of how much you might hate the oppressive institution* that is modern marriage–and you have a Pinterest board for each different theme. Then comes that tragic moment when you happen to be browsing their Facebook page and you see that they’ve been in a relationship the whole time. Really? How dare they? They’re definitely supposed to be wildly in love with you and not someone else. You tell yourself that they must be bewitched, because that’s the only possible explanation for why you aren’t already riding off into the sunset with your soul mate.

After stuffing your face with the comfort food(s) of your choosing, drowning your heartbreak in three packs of Double Stuf Oreos, you dance naked in your room to “Eye of the Tiger” and then you throw yourself back in the ring.** After all, there will always be people out there who have the audacity to be perfect and fill your stomach with butterflies and make your heart skip successive beats. You will find another love of your life (really, the love of your life), you will embarrassingly skip to work again, and you will find yourself smiling for no apparent reason. Because crushing is the best and worst feeling in the world.

* the oppressiveness of marriage is open to –intersectional– debate

** the author can neither confirm nor deny any personal experience with this sequence of events

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